Letter help

How many times have you been screwed by a corporate? Need some inspiration? Here it is, tried and tested:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I believe the sum of £37.70 is a rather extortionate sum for your so-called administration fee. This policy only lasted for six days and I have received absolutely no benefit from it. What kind of resources does it command to send me out a template with the additional details of my car? What – were your staff hovering above the Earth in a space station and bouncing all my details of a local satellite? Did you hire a well known celebrity to process my application or perhaps you got the Queen to endorse my policy and give it the Royal Seal. Maybe you crafted the policy on papyrus or you utilised platinum paint in the production of the documents; or could it be you are ordained with God like powers and in your omnipotence deem it at you will to exploit the proletariat and charge whatever you please? I would be grateful if you could dispense with this ludicrous fee.

NEXT:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am responding to your demand for the sum of £88.28. I have provided the Swinton Group with a number of letters requesting an explanation for this demand. Hitherto, they have ignored any correspondence. Without any substantial documentation that supports their claim, I deem it an act of extortion that I should provide them with this money. Therefore, I am asking that you provide me with the necessary details that justify this claim. Your letter outlines that ‘we are writing to ensure that you have full details of this claim’: this is not the case! I would be grateful if you could rectify for this matter for me and in the near future.

NEXT:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to inform that I am undergoing financial difficulty. I have recently had my hours reduced by one of my employers leaving me earning £200 less a month. Of course I will continue with my payments with you, but to make this possible and to assist me in continuing the repayment of this loan I would like to cancel the Optional Payment Protection Insurance and the Optional Guaranteed Asset Protection Insurance (GAP). This will greatly assist me in my dire financial condition and I would be grateful for you help. Please advise as to whether this is possible? Attached you will find my last wage slip.

NEXT:

Dear Kevin,

Many thanks for your correspondence detailing my banks failure to render you funds from my account. I was somewhat disappointed that you had not recognised that your letter was addressed to a customer of yours, and not an inmate awaiting trial. For the said letter was fuelled with impatience and a failure to note that every once in a while in life, money fails to find itself upon us. The trials and tribulations of life somehow remind us that we are mere unfortunates doing our best to survive, and in a capitalist society, those challenges are often grounded in money. When you are not a member of the affluent community – it is no easy commodity to obtain (utopia does not exist my friend).

I do not deem it fair that I am expected to grant you a further £20 for my unfortunate financial hardship. This would serve me no purpose in my financial recovery and you no purpose if I was to press matters further and make it known of your unprofessional and avaricious intentions. You would not want to see your company descend into disrepute. I have advised you to apply for funds form my account at the beginning of the month, and not at the end of the month (presently the 26^th of each month). Had this arrangement been met, those funds would have been available. I would be grateful for your consideration in providing this matter with a happy outcome.